Took Miles Stu home today, deeder dog has been here since Wed. It was so nice to be with my boy for 24, I made a lot of promises to him about me staying available. He just beamed all night listening to me, we talked our talk and the snugglin was good, Miles Stu, me and my deeder dog and some stupid box, two glasses of a great Pinot Noir, Nissiyou I think was the vineyard Rogue Valley Oregon for sure, 12.99 try it. As great as it was it was such a painful reminder that I am never going to be a part of his daily life. I just want to make sure the expectations I have set for myself which in effect is to make sure Miles knows me and knows as a source of joy and love in his world, are met. I so need to connect with some other adults too. Amazing how much my relationships have changed since being married. I gave up a lot, and some are being rekindled. I hope to start dating soon, I just need to be around women and have that good ole flirtatiousness and sparring we all crave so much back in my life. I have two interviews this week and I hope something pans out. I read something a while back that said for every $10k in earnings you job search grows by one month. That is holding true right now. I have been looking for 3 months and the only offers have been for around 40K besides the great offer that involved a huge move, couldn’t do. So hopefully by June, that’s life people and you can deny it, So maybe I’ll be back on top, back on top May. I will get back to my lonliness no son no dog. No woman no Cry, I am going to the hockey game tonight hopefully not the last for my beloved Preds. Peace chant and Pray.

Can anyone make Joe Thorton just go away for a while? Beantown you should have shipped him to the Yukon or Czech Republic or somewhere. Damn he is good, all five skaters hit him and he still holds on to the puck, he must have some sort of super glue tape on his stick, and Redwood stumps for legs. Gotta Believe Preds in 7!

Since I moved out of my house and away from my son, dog and cats the ex-in laws have come back. This makes 4 trips in 5 weeks from Hilton Head. They are going on 8 days right now. Not that I expected anything different. After all I did take the guest bedroom set of bedding and my chair it had to be hard on my ex to be a part of all that uprooting in her life. I had been going over in the morning to see Miles and piecemeal my things over to the cousins. The ex let it be known her people were there and it would be uncomfortable to keep doing that. So I did not see my son for a week. I never knew how awful I was going to feel or how scared I was going to feel. The divorce is not final and mostly because I have to find a job and establish child support. I sure would like my little piece of equity in the home so I won’t be destitute in the next couple of months, but anyway I understand. The ex talks to me like I am a three year old, almost robotic with kid gloves. Every time she calls me she says as I answer “hi this farrar” it just gets on my nerves so bad and creates tension down to my bones. Like I don’t recognize her voice or that her number pops up on my cell phone. I have suggested that we communicate via email for a little while it is more convenient and easier for her to do the bad things she has to do to me. Like drop my insurance, we have been using her insurance b/c it is state insurance very good and very cheap, even though I am unemployed and not officially divorced she called to tell me I have been dropped from her coverage. She really cares about her sons Dad. I offered to pay her the $60 a month to keep me on it until we divorce. She said she “had already cancelled it” and in essence was not going to go through the hassle of re-instating it. Let me tell you about the email, she is not into modernity; she should live in Arabian Peninsula somewhere. She has never used email; even I didn’t realize she was that far cast into last century. She doesn’t know what a browser is. I set up the Home computer where she wanted it cleaned it up nicely and thought I will just go to yahoo and set up an email address for her and give her the password so she could change it later, but there would be no excuse that she didn’t have time or didn’t know how to get an email address. I wrote very simple directions made my yahoo her home page with email right up top. She called and thanked me for setting up the computer and the email address and I said it will be easier and you can send me an update daily on my “buster bean” Mileser. So great right? Not exactly. I email her a few times just to try to get this communication vehicle moving. No response. I asked about Miles. I mentioned she could put whatever clothes I had in garbage bags and put it in the Garage and I would be by to pick them up. I sent these all before I knew her handlers the “General and the Banker” were going to be there for a week or so. Sunday night a week since leaving my son and home I get a frantic call like there had been some paradigm shift in her world and she was having a William Shatner moment. “Spock…… I….just don’t……..Know…..If I can……take it…much more” She was trying to take the big step and email me. I could tell her folks had been there for few days because the hyperness in their hyperspace always gets turned up with their natural oozing nervousness, it is sadly contagious. I call her and ask her to explain what is wrong; she says” I don’t know, I don’t want to do this email, I tried and it doesn’t work”. I ask “what did you do?” she says, “I pushed the email thingy and I tried to write something and it kept getting messages so I just quit.” The email thingy I suppose was an honest mistake even though I had written two pages of bullet point directions of getting into yahoo. Number 1 click on Mozilla. Your homepage will be Yahoo. Look in right hand corner it says mail, click on that.” She was bringing up outlook and a defunct email address with her email button. So being unbelievably patient and kind, while wanting to tell her what an idiot she is and how the fuck is she going to raise my child in a world when she can’t browse the net and complete an email, I calmly walk her through it. She hit save as draft the first time so it didn’t work and then on the second time “Bingo” she got it, she saw the word send. Yeee haw! I later found out that she thought the email address that had stated right next to it “This is your email address” and the password that stated next to it “this is your password” was my address and that was what she needed to get in touch with me even though the username had her name in it. Wow! She the figured out what the inbox is and noticed, she had mail from me in it with an address relative to my name. She reads the emails and says “oh I have already got your things packed up,” which was nice but the image she relayed to me almost made me throw up. I was starting to understand what the “handlers” purpose was on this trip. To purge anything that vaguely resembled me or my personality from the home. She said, “My dad went to Target and Mail box etc and got boxes and bubble wrap and packing tape, and at Target got those big air tight Tupperware like containers to put your clothes in.” “We got all of your pictures and knickknacks and bubble wrapped them and folded you clothes and put them in the containers,” she says. “We took all of your books off the shelves and put them in boxes and taped them up and moved them to the garage.” These actions were all to my benefit ultimately, be the vision of the hyper in-laws frantically flying around asking questions “is this his? Is this his” the nervous rip of bubble wrap ratcheting of tape on the boxes and how easy they are making this for her just makes me sad. I went to see my son at school the last two days and the first time I almost walked in crying I was so in need of seeing him and scared that he wouldn’t respond to me, it is just such a unique situation. The school and his therapist didn’t know anything about the divorce so I told them about it and they all counseled me and told me to come by anytime and watch or play with Miles. It was nap time and all the other kids were sleeping but as usual Miles the rebel was awake. I went and laid down next to him and started talking to him at first he wasn’t sure who it was but then his eyes lit up and he turned his head toward me and made my world complete for that instant. I picked up over my head and he smiled and laughed, and I laughed until I almost cried again. We cooed and oooed and he looked into my eyes. His vision really seems to be improving. He did give me the look of I wasn’t sure you were coming back. I have to make sure he hears my voice as much as often b/c I can’t just call and talk to him on the phone he has to be able to hear me, smell me, and feel me, and I need the same from him. Ms Cilla said “look at that boy smile at his Daddy” he is so happy, I was so happy. So I followed it up by going be and seeing him today again. He realized right away that it was me this time and play the skin harmonica on his neck and belly and he just laughs and starts talking his talk. I am a Dad in pain, but as the song says “Pain is love, and if you don’t feel pain you don’t feel anything” He is love I learn everyday from my experiences with him. His pain his toughness his resilience his innocence, his ever giving love. I am blessed and I am cursed, but aren’t we all. Its life and learning to love and accepting it all an hopefully everyday learning its not about me and ego its about all of nuclear family and global/universal family, Ego is the devil and as much as I need to gripe about shit on this here blog I need to grow and I think with enough practice and caring for others I will learn to truly care about me and wade through the mire of bullshit our lives are consumed in. After all in this wonderful god fearing nation we are consumers first, and from the time you’re born to when you die people are going to be trying to sell you something that is not real. Image ego. “And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

I moved in with my cousin last Monday. She and her Dr. Husband are moving from Chicago they closed on the house early and it is not finished out. It is a great place, but workers are in and out. Dr. got his wallet stolen by a plumber’s helper on the first day I was here while he was in the house. So tensions and tempers are abundant. Dr. D is a nice guy but you don’t know until you have to move in with someone and the awkwardness of being the guy in the guest bedroom. He is anal retentive and a know it all which I guess in the medical profession behooves him, just not in the rest of the world. Every time I ask to do something like help them put up blinds or line the cabinet’s etc. b/c he is not moving down until June, they say we aren’t going to do any of that stuff right now. I can’t quite get it across that I really just want to help where I can and I am not trying to suggest what they do with their new home. It’s an argument at every suggestion of help. So I am laying off while laying out unemployed. I did not get the job I so much thought I would and that I wanted. They offered me another job in Dothan, AL about seven hours from my Son, Can’t do it nuff said. It was disappointing but they didn’t have to offer me a job in another territory. It was a fortune 200 company and would have been a shot in my Life’s arm. Meanwhile back at the in cousin in-laws every bolt turned, paint stroke, hinge, piece of molding etc. is being hashed and re-hashed and my head was been swimming in chemical vapors and anxiety for the last 10 plus days. My cousin and I will be fine now that he has gone back to Chi town. She is a suicide prevention counselor and has been working down in New Orleans for the past couple of months now started her job with the state program here in TN. She deals with some serious things daily so is not as affected as Dr. is (Radiologist) about some of the small shit except that she gets dragged into it by his machismo need to take control of his castle. I take a step back and understand that it is natural but immaturely exaggerated in his need to show that he is the Alpha in this situation. I could blame it on the stars I learned that his birthday is May 9th mine May 10th, two bulls in one house and not having sex with one another makes for innate stubbornness. Then there is the whole life perspective thing, he is neo-Republican which I think might be a pre-requisite in med school or maybe is just learned in residency from peers bitching about how rough Dr.’s have it in the states. Man it is tough to be overpaid and have to buy that darn liability insurance and still have to pay taxes and everything. Sarcasm alert. So you have to pay $25K in liability insurance a year and in his case make $500k a year, and then you fall into that extreme tax bracket and still are the top 2% of the country. Fucking weenies! Needless to say as generous and sincere as they have been about taking me in for a little while, two worlds are colliding. I promise I am being the bigger person in this situation, thank goodness I can BlogVent. While venting let me tell you how unprepared to move in they were or incapable of planning ahead. 1st day no utilities turned on, floors not finished toxic lacquer emissions everywhere. Gas not hooked up so any hot water; they have a great gas stove and oven but can’t work without Nashville gas. Now cousin has been here for 1 month living with Dr.’s brother but these things haven’t been handled. So we get power the next day gas a few days later and cable and internet just today. Listen to me no TV no internet ughh! I do need the net for venting and job search, and TV to watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs what’s an unemployed bachelor to do? I silly day at a time I will be ok. I have opened up all the windows let some spring time in and try not to breath in too much new house chemical funk. Cousin gets home at 5, no screens on windows she is skeered of bugs so I will closem up. The privacy blind thing has gotten sort of funny. My bedroom window and bathroom window look directly on to the back Neighbors porch. Linda. She is a snoopy 50 something with a Dachshund, who complained to the Neighborhood zoning committee about two Dr.’s moving in on the lots did the tear downs. She supposedly gave a 5-10 minute speech on the public access TV station that shows zoning boards about why can’t those Dr.’s build somewhere out in the country or something. Linda it could be worse these silly Dr.’s coming in and driving your property value up. Linda is constantly out back working in her garden and letting the wiener dog do its business. I have found myself with full frontal nudity looking right out the window and Linda and I have no doubt become more intimate. After about three of four times I stopped darting behind the door and if heavens forbid she is admiring than good for her. After all I have been working out! Merciful me. What is more uncomfortable to me is when I have taken the sitting position on the john and out she comes, no place really to hide then just sit and gaze into each others eyes. Apparently Cousin has had to do some dropping to floor and darting into closets too while Linda is on the porch. She must think we are a bunch of neked jay birds. Lord forbid we put up those blinds. Dr just wants curtains I suggested you know blinds can be pulled up and you can still use window treatment, but he doesn’t want to drill any holes in the window frames. I made the mistake of telling him that I had my tools and a drill so if he would buy the blinds I would put them up for him. Anyway I think I will go stand naked in the window and wait for Linda to come home. Peace ya’ll.

I went to the game last night by myself and happen to sit next to 4 hot young single but dating women, all mid twenties, I felt like I was 15 again of course I am not and there heavy flirting me was a huge boost to my soon to be single confidence although I know very innocent. There was full moon last night or at least a mighty large one. I have a past that involves intense sexuality emissions under the full moon, almost uncanny maybe a placebo but whatever. These girls went to Ole Miss all living in Nashville now awesome early Spring tans and smelled so damn good. Not to mention they were all sharp and witty. It motivated me to get to the Subdudes show after the game to see those ole boys for the first time in a while, Great crowd, I didn't meet a stranger and really had an awesome time, Just a great show, awesome vibe dancing crowd 21 to 60 all bopping, Meanwhile at the bar waiting on the bartender and bartendress I end up next to Claire, another 20 something blonde, a weakness that has never died in me. We cut up I make her blush, we made a bet who would get the bartenders attention the attractive woman barkeep or the cool male barkeep, I barely beat her out, I got her card, this poor girl really dug me and we danced and I had one of those 20 something nights where I fell in love but went home alone. Hopefully I will be man enough to call her and ask her out soon. It will be interesting to start dating and find out how women especially younger women are going to react to me being divorced with a special needs kid. Being unemployed at the moment is not usually the greatest attribute. It was nice to fall in love again for a minute, it has been such a long time. Peace Yall