I have met someone who I am going to call a coach more than a guru. Who really lives out of a great place. She wrote me a note and told me that all my suffering and lonliness is about semantics. How I talk to myself or as we both like to say how the "auto-pilot" talks to me. I have had a tendency in the past to Over generalize or have all or nothing thinking. It is funny now that I reflect where so many of these etched voices made their way into my psyche. I believe they all escalated when I was 17 or so and from then until about 25. I grew my hair to my ass literally, read all the great philosophers Western and Eastern, mingled in the dust of the great Hippies of the world. Lived life based on the ideas I created, but, liberting as it was I was soaked in convention because of those choices. I still reflect on those days as great. Then the idea of paying off student loans and debt and my favorite...i wish you could hear me say this like James Earl Jones "THA REEAL WOOORLD". I knew then the concept of Real world was bullshit but my family and culture that I grew up in as they watched me experience life uniquely and happily bombarded me with, You should, You will never, You can't ya da blah da because you look different, maybe the message I couldn't get across to family and some friends was I think different. But the pressure to reflect that my world was not real and the cruel REal World was going to eat me alive made its way into my psyche and remains, but it just discursiveness, by the way most of the people who pushed convention and the idea of conformity on me have not been served well and in some cases they have a victim mentality now. Like its the world... I can't change it. My suffering goes with believing the group think, Its not real people. You have to create each day and moment from a unique and creative place that is only yours, but that place is the universes and we all have access to this place. Convention will not lead you there. So L we will call her says you have to start talking to yourself using new language. That is where you start. Be Mindful Macbeth. She asked me to release these words from my vocabulary. Try to do this for a day or so, you can even use synonyms but just don't use these words. It is daunting but it is amazing when you release them. Release
Good, Bad, Right, Wrong, Should, Must, Have to, Can't, Always, Never, Anything makes me, Don't make a statement and then amend it with But or And. Now it becomes hairy.... release YOur, You, Us, Them, They, WE, Our. That is about co-dependecy and some other things, but no matter how intimate with anything or anybody you can only think and feel and speak for yourself. We all want to be lumped in for security or a way to pass the blame and filter ownership of thoughts. You will think differently and feel empowered if you do this. I am still struggling with it but I am more mindful of it now and notice the learned need to use these words all the time. L says embrace just a few embrace. Healthy, Unhealthy, Choose, Choices, and most importantly I. Listen to the thunder shouting "I AM". Thats all I is...is I.and the choices are all mine, some healthy some unhealthy.
The next is a secular western motivated exercise based on Buddhist idea of eliminating desire called the I want list. I really like this because it is not just about avoiding desire and fighting it..Desire is inspiration. She says start your I want list and just let it roll forever. What you do is write every want or you can think of ad nauseum. The key is to just write anything your most basic wants, you materialistic wants, your selfish wants, your enlightened wants, your wants for those around you,. I mean I wrote I want to have sex with tons of beautiful women who love me. I want more money. I want the men and women of Iraq including soldiers to experience joy love and peace. I want my sons health to be better. etc etc etc. The key is never repeat an I want ever. By doing this you release it. You have stated it thought it felt it written it. Then what you do is go back each day and reflect on what your list said. Take 5 minutes a day of I want... cover it all spirtitual, bogus, selfish, righteous. What you find is you run out of petty wants for yourself. As for me I wrote 7 pages the first day, damn I got me some want in my life. When you reflect you see contradictions, you realize you really don't want to have sex with a ton of beautiful women, just one special one. Some of the stuff you want you really don't want... it was just convention that made you right it down in the first place..But after a couple of weeks of this "I want" you really shift into wanting things cosmically good, and usually you start to explode with compassion for others and what you want for them. Remember never "Don't want" or Not want. In a strange way by letting yourself be greedy you lose some of those desires. I mean everyday I still have wants. Then even more awesome you start to see things manifest, it sort of a way to ceate a log that when the universe responds it makes it easier for you to acknowledge the sign. WHich in turn creates more belief in your power to create what you want and manifests more. My job has been shitty, I stopped all that discursive language about it and started wanting my boss to love me, my customers to love and respond in turn with business, and although far from perfect the dynamic has changed and I got a raise and frankly a month ago I thought I was going to lose me job. Lonliness, I have lots of lusty wants and many pure relationship wants. I went from heart broken from my last girlfriend, which was a crazy sexually charged relationship, that might as well been heroin. It was such an awesome shock to the system and the detox after she was gone was horrific. I was attacting that. I got what I wanted I suppose. So you have the dry spell and then this shift in creating my world starts slowly very slowly to ease into my world. I have literally 4 women randonmly come into my life in one week. One crazy wanting to have my baby, one all sex hot but really sex addicted pretty but scary, which sex addiction happens to everybody I think for short periods. The next one I am doing my best to not think her out of the picture, She is awesome, beautiful, maybe one of the best looking women I have ever been on a date with, tremendous style and intellect and she is taking it sloooow, no lovin for me just yet, and I am going with her pace, my discursive mind wants to say she is not really into me and I want to kill that thought b/c honestly she has only really given me signs she wants to see me again. I have to be in a place where "I want" stable sane beautiful woman and not crazy partying flying fuckfests. I really dig this woman, but you start to see the law of attraction. I was hollerin' for crazy love and it showed up now this wonderful and yes sexy human being shows up and it is so much greater than the id focused brain. The fourth another stunning woman who I haven't even met yet, friends trying to set us up, She wasn't into me so the friend says but we emailed each other and one day she writes actually Monday and gives me her number and says lets meet for a beer sometime.. So I start to see my crazy lusty desires are not really what I want. Or they can wait for a connected moment. It is these interesting amazing women I want and I hope the universe is beginning to realize the shift and something more meaningful is happening. What is amazing to me is how difficult and uncomfortable it is to realize good things can happen to you and do regularly. I am meditating to release those discursive thoughts. Because they nullify the flow, the idea that the universe does not judge is a truth, it just responds, when you think this is too good to be true, the uni say "yea your right", When you think this is wonderful and I want more wonderful things, Uni says Ok more wonderful things. Don't nullify. Negative thoughts about something wonderful happening to you are lies...just lies, don't dare believe them b/c unfortunately then they manifest as truths. It takes meditating for me. The group think "auto-pilot" which will always be there is always ready to take over, but you gotta chain that beast up and its always going to rattle around in there making a damn scene when you work from a creative place in your soul. Just chain the bastards up and when they get to acting out, just remind them experience gave them a home but you ain't feeding them so they best just pipe down and then go back to chasing that bliss. I want you to have everything you want and you want me to have everything I want. Just have to be careful what you ask for thats all. Peace Ya'll. I want New Orleans to be safe and full of joy. I want the IRanian conflict to end with diplomacy and peace. I want Iraqis to live and prosper. I want soldiers to live in peaceful times. I want love to reign and rain on me. I want lasting relationships with spiritual people. I want to hear the beast howling and stuff a sock in his mouth. I want our President to find a way to promote peace in the world. I want Americans to be recognized as the most loving and giving and spiritually inclined people on the planet. I want Bin Laden to let go of whatever hurt him so bad to experience life based on unhealthy truths. I want UCLA to win the tourney. That all I got for now.

All of them and even the teacher in us. Is it the perfect harmony of good and bad suffering and bliss. The equal opportunity to enrich and harm. The vantage of the teacher is in so many cases at least a posture of godliness. What makes us see clearly when so many have ego and device in mind. Yet if you asked me I would say it is the most worthy and noble professions, like parenting but certainly grander because loving your child is quite easy because he or she is you but then being able to extend those intentions to a classroom or peice of literature, with the same heart takes great courage and no ego, but I think ego is what draws a great number of people into teaching as a profession. Intellectual ego hopefully with an overriding lean towards altruism and nurturing the minds and Spirits of kids. Or they set them on a path where they are bound to get ill. Mind control, at what point does "self" say I am taking back all you have given me and now create from a higher and universal place as creator of my own perceptions even though for better or worse I now have this thing call reference, and an auto-pilot available whenever you just want to let go for a moment. What is taught. Usually convention, the good news is covention changes sometimes over night sometimes it takes ages. Teachers are still the best chance for great change. Convention is easy lesson plans 3 years old lazy, samsara, much less 50 years old the story has chaned can the teacher be taught. Yes it takes courage.

And after you let go of the teacher and take over your mind. When is it time to seek a teacher again. Its a tough relationship the openess. Do you seek a teacher? Does she or he find you? Or is just being in a centered place that knowing conciousness is knowing and therefore already taught. Listen. is all there is. Change your truths when you realize they need to be changed. It doesn't diminish old truths, they were true then, just not now. I love teachers. Have dated many and even married one. I think my love of teachers is impermanence thing because to be a great teacher you have to change all the time with a center but change and tell it like the new truth that it is. So raise your whisky glass to the Good shepards. Baaah!

You know trying to experience life outside of the group think or group sink as I like to think is the dillemma of the world trying to experience Bliss. We all want a piece don't we? I know I do and to do it you have to acknowledge the balance of suffering to really get that bliss thing resonating. Both simulataneous move back and forth like a slalom getting a good edge on both extremes keeping you center of gravity yet letting your soul fly free. Like athletes or dancers or musicians in the zone they can't tell you why, but they all say they weren't thinking about anything they just knew it was happening. They dropped the "group think" and just were and they were their best. no convention, Peak experiences. Rubbing the walls of the supernatural thin enough to see God, both mask the good bad, yinyang, smilin buddha, or black dragon. Unknowing, experiencing the moment in totality. Fuckin' groovin.

Great Experience at the Medeski, Martin, Wood show. They offer up what is power Jazz trio at times ie Headhunters, and then slip into what universal joy of say the funky Meters, then dabble with Ornette Coleman and Bitches Brew and what not all the while with viruosity and a pioneers spirit. Will try not to miss them ever again. Crowd was beautiful in all its contrasts. No more judging for me, at least trying to. The totality is beautiful the conflict, the harmony etc. Not judging I am going to characterize the three groups, groups all of which I bounce around with and maybe that makes "my think" which is all I got... be bliss. The only reason I say this I randomly met Todd and we started talking and out of know where he goes into this hero's journey and we start talking about music, why some connect more than others etc. Jazz mainly was the conversation, he quickly realized he had found an audience, and everyone who knows me knows I would rather talk than listen. Slowly that is changing. Jazz and the moment the idependence of thought and form that finds a way to connect with the unit in between beats or moods or modes as Miles would say, Fields of energy and trying to connect but not let go of original ideas, just knowing they aren't group thought, but work perfectly with the group. Not that many jazz fans left in the world, at least not truly obsessive lovers of the vast AMerican medium. It takes patience openess, discomfort, joy, confusion, moments of bliss, in some cases all in one song, of course its all one song, the Universes God's etc. but can you listen to it without having to go back to some solid seemingly safe ground. Jazz asks you to surrender to the mystery and mastery. So mmw, you have jazznicks sitting on one side of the stage soaking in every note, good bad indifferent. You have neo-hippynicks grooving to every ounce of rhythm and texture they can find. You have a majority of groupthinkers there to see and be seen dabbling in the experience. I mingled in all three. All of us with egos but I love to see the differences of how music do's it for me and people. First set they went out on some awesome audible limbs, scraping the edge of whatever it is they do. They do it well by the way. The jazz folks ease back into their seats with a heightened stillness, thats me during that part of the show, let the randomness engulf them then find the emotion they want to find in those obscure but spirit edifying moments. Joy. The hippynicks, I am that guy and girl too, try to find texture to rub up against but because the rhythm is not pronounced in a specific time or connected to the vibe of the whole. They bop curiously and it becomes struggling. That is an authentic moment too but away from he bliss that might be happening through music.
I had a great conversation with a broher at the show.. about Space in the Grateful Dead experience and how my first probably 20, 30 shows it was a novelty and "trippy" for lack of a better word at best. Fortunately later in my history with them they started playing "Dark Star" again Joy fucking joy. With Space... by the time I had seen 50 to 100 shows it was my place, and we all know "space is the place" It was the vehicle of transcendence for me with the musicians, audience time and space, don't get me wrong throwing yourself into the groove and feeling the rhythm and accents pushing and pulling you around in your space ultimately is what has made me love music and dancing and of course songwriting, Song writing is the elementary you can't start your journey without a song and what it means... what lyrics mean and how we only really have language to veil what is the spirit, and not everyone can hang the veil of language on something as fleeting as feelings, the spirit world, god with virtuosity... so when you find artist or teacher etc who can... soak that shit up people. So back to the avant wierd part of the show. Jazznicks, Hippyfoolendentals, and group thinkers. As the show gets into those places near the edge of the cliff the group thinkers, at least in my mind become terrified, "this ain't what the manual said and I know there are other people experiencing this as cool so I want to but damn I can't take the moment I need to move on.ah clousterphobia bitch" So during these wonderful music moments the group thinkers get distracted all start talking to their neighbors shut off the music experience completely, have tea, pull themselves out of the field of experience and go into, "can you believe what happend to John, or She and I never really clicked" or "are you going to the other music show this weekend that won't make me feel as weird" I should mention I like those shows to, raw, or even popular say from and R&B standpoint, If you don't love Marvin Gaye and Aretha etc you need to re-visit. Its not Miles/ McGlaughin or whatever but it is wonderful. So the thinknots or at least acknowledge less and defer to the "community prevalent box of thought" start their conversations detach from the moment and in my mind invite Samsara into a experience that is transcendent, which is experiencing music. Hey I don't think there is anything wrong with not liking parts of things and line-item vetoing and what not, and more importantly I will give all music a chance and if I can't quite identify I will leave. Velvet Underground would say "somebody's got the right" not sure who that is always, or if its me or if it is me who has it, but we should know. Its our right. Now lets talk about the bliss of funking out taking this physical form and expressing bliss and beauty.. Always my favorite part of shows. Dancing mind and body experience acknowledging the shell and letting the spirit or aura come into view of everything in your energy field at that moment. I love to see people dance... ones who do it with sexuality, sensuality, artistry, cosmic wonder, clumsiness, contrived movements, instability, perfect balance. The point is I will never judge a dancer as anything but someone not scared to take a leap. Expose your spirit, If someone dances funny that is joy I don't judge, If someone dances sexy, thats nice too, If someone is spewing bliss and the moment in every bow and bend movement then I revel in it. I like to think of myself in the later but some dancers are a fountain of joy, a waterfall of joy, a trickle in the dam, But its all good. Sweat I love that another way the body says all my organs are really opposed to each other and they all want a little something different, but by putting them to work they find rhythm and harmony even though they don't really agree with one another. Sweat, "anyone who sweats like that must be alright". No one wants to fight theres no black eyes, Fucking cats down under the stars tonight. We are all one, and that is the most obtuse but true statement we as man and women will ever have to come to grips with. And so I think you know, part of dancing for me is showing off because I like how people react to my dancing,, always have, I like that some people are attracted to me incredibly and others judge, or are quite frankly scared to freaking death and scared of death. But ultimately I am doing it for them and the people who feel joy from it send it back and the people who are scared send that back, but that brings me to the overriding feeling of joy, the joy that gets sent back squashes or at least minimalizes the skeerdy cats, and somehow hopefully lets them know it is ok to be embarrased in fact embarrasing moments are teachers. Dance creates courage and courage creates the ability to experience life with bliss. Follow you bliss. Still trying to figure out what ole Joe Campbell meant, its pretty basic, and whether god is the element or vehicle to which we know bliss, all we have to know is that is the greatest gift and the only thing to pursue. Dance is physical but it rubs the walls most thin, Meditation is physical but takes down walls. All my other favorites like whisky, sex, eating, dope etc. are fleeting... temperance is so hard b/c some of these things on the physical plane are what we see as peak experience, but the trade offs for short term physical aliveness, is suffering from the need to repeat those thing.. Group think says oh I just repeat what just happend and the ingredients are 3 Wild Turkeys, flirting with woman that leads to physicological explosions and yummy fucking, some roasted garlic and brussels sprouts with my huge bloody yummy peice of meat and a couple glasses of a big ole' Cab, one bong hit, some silliness and laughter and another Wild Turkey, and more sex equals bliss. It all sounds good but it is music being played be not virtuous musicians. So some of the ingredients some of the time work out, just can obssess on the salt or the spice or whatever because it will ruin the overall dish. Mostly you have "be mindful" and with that comes the realization that you don't concoct bliss it is created diving and that leads to heightened awareness of the oneness of the world and everything. Tap it pure Bodichitta, compassion, love the goofy dancer maybe even more than the artist. Love and feel compassion for the group thinker and wish great things for them, so that lord forbid one day they experience the show for the moment and even dance even if they have never tried. Those that you see and say with ease "I love the spirit they are letting out" revel in it and let go and watch the cycle of energy move among a group of like or semi-like people. The church of the musical experience, I never thought of City Hall as a Cathedral or an open field in Telluride, or a Awesome art deco dinner theatre in Birmingham as Cathedrals but they are, its really easy to know. Then take the traffic jam, your boss putting stress in the air, confrontation of energy b/w you and someone at the grocery store, those are cathedrals too. No doubt some cathedrals more cosmically important, places where many have decided that is where the fill their cup and those places have to be sought out regularly. A mountain top, your church, your meditation group, be and always be mindful of the minor cathedrals you end up at, you are there more often, but as the sioux say on the plains this is the mountain top the greatest most significant, tallest mountain, in the universe. Convention would say have you heard of Everest or McKinley and Sioux would say yes but no mountain is greater than mine. Your mountain is where you are. Be on the mountain top observe the good and bad and know that your view if honest is from the most magnificent peak even if you are from the Valley. Sit on your mountain top it is a journey you will come down from the mountain that is the physical world gravity samsara whatever, but, its only a short hike back once you have bagged the peak, you know its there just a short hike back up there to see clearly again and enjoy your bliss.. Joe says follow your "bliss". Bliss is your only clue chase it. Then the mystery becomes joy. It gets lost in the woods among the timbers sometimes but when it jets out into the open follow it for as long as you can, knowing (which is unknowing) that you will lose it again but knowing you will also find again. You have no fear of getting lost chasing it or that you are wasting time(Wasted Time the Eagles SOng song) b/c you know it will probably slip back neath the foilage for a while...just chase it and see where it leads it leads to Love an Pain accepting them is bliss. Love..eternal, can't be described, pain simple this world the physical plane. Chase what you can't know and it finds you.... I love you and you love me. Believe it or not its true. But Believe it. You are going to wake up from the good dreams and bad dreams, its all dreams.

I am a fisherman though I haven't been fishing in probably a year or so. I am also a golfer who hasn't played in 6 months. I don't think of myself as a talented musician yet I play everyday and work on songs I am writing. When I play my guit-fiddle and although I truly know I can't sing , when I play my songs for people they think I am great, but I don't accept it for some reason. Samsara I suppose. But it is mostly because I am playing for them not me. Ilike to see people enjoy anything I am doing. I had a great peice of trout with a corn, field pea an sundried tomato type chutney or something on top. THe Rainbow sat on a square, rectangle or whatever on what I used to call fried grits. My Grandad used to eat these he would put leftover grits in the fridge and they would congeal then for breakfast or snack or whatever he would cut out a square and throw some butter in a skillet and crisp up nice and brown on the outside. Hard to mess that up if you are goodle boy like me own self. OF course to get a culinary step up going w/the trout there was some arugala greens with Goat cheese and caremelized red oninons a little vinagrette. Oh yes Trout....Catch and Release. It is a way to be and accept the universe and accept the mind. Accept its conventions, to know feelings, trust them on a certain level and then release them hopefully as soon as you realize you are feeling them and whatever little physiological things that might be happening with them. Let it go. Through Meditation I am beginning to be more aware of my moods, conditioned thinking, and feelings. I think over the last year I have just tried to not feel bad things and hope that more good feeling would come around. So now learning again the closterphobia of silence, "the unbearable lightness of being"...I digress Gosh I love Kundera he relates so much to what the flesh world wants in permananence and knows how we torture our souls. You know like addiction on any level is basically samsara and the mind saying the more of this... the more good feeling I will have and I don't have to deal with bad feelings. The universe says oh really? so bad feelings not felt properly keep mounting and in turn make you move toward more of what you think is good feeling.Samsara, they dang cycle. When I speak of addiction we all have dozens even the more enlightened folks among us. Whether it is pot or heroin, sex or food, adrenaline, playing music, talking, writing.. it is when we attach that if we don't have more of those things then we are going to be sad or uncomfortable. Which is avaiding discomfort and ironically is causing more discomfort. In the catch and release program which is a law in the universe. It says and you are going to a prison(of the soul) much tougher than the horrific underfunded structures that take up so much space in this great country, full of bags of bones, and yet even in those places their are some people shining vibrating Gods love, accepting their feelings, forgiving themselves and others and society and the physical world that put them there.

I am able to do it more and more. It usually starts with that Wild Horse mind of mine jetting and locking on to something from the past or wrestling to get into the future. I am aware enough now to feel changes in my body, as the mind sets glands to firin' etc. but through practice and unknowing I know I can let it go if I just lock into the moment ask for peace and breath, Instead of letting it mess with Dopamine, adrenaline, testosterone stop it before it creates that chaos it is so addicted to. Like seeing the girl who reminds you of someone you miss having sex with or even better someone your mind just told you will better than that girl you miss.. because of how she moves or smiles and oozes that stuff we boys just freaking love, which is really just women.... but our mind says it is penetration and tongues lashing. To feel it happening when you see her is ok in fact it is perfect. To hold on to it and let it go to adrenaline,, hell in my case near erection, is attachment and Samsara. You see something and it reminds you of something that hurts or someone hurting. To feel that is real...or solid and to hold on to it and let it tighten your jaw, twist your stomach, send the body into full on fight or flight is bad and you have to let it go. You have to let it go once you know you are feeling it and let it go before it seems solid in your world. To live you have to feel pain both physical and emotional the level to which you are attached to it is in your control. Catch the feeling allow it to resonate but don't give it the strength of a Rocky Mountain. By feeling everything and maybe more importantly the uncomfortable things... we exist... because it has nothing to do with the physical world, feelings are spiritual including anger, resentment, Just acknowledge that and release it and back to your breath, and saying hey that is just a feeling a thought. That calmness of mind that comes with sitting and meditating, of course peace doesn't always come, but it comes more often with practice. That calmness allows us to know love and compassion. By releasing these feelings we can go back to the moment... and unattached we can look at the stranger, the world,see our soul as friends again and go back that whatever was happening with those thoughts that created feeling you just took control of again.. Feelings are not going to go away, But with that perfect grip not too loose not to tight.( Sam Snead the great golfer used to say hold the golf club not to firm not too tight picture yourself holding a bird you have to hold it tight enough so it doesn't squirm away but not too tight to harm it) we manage our way back to loving ourselves and more importantly everything else around us, which I think any person on a religious or even slightly spiritual journey knows that loving honestly and focusing on others makes it come back to us so damn fast and should be a reminder we don't have to be that patient we just have to be and love and as many places as we can. Do yo' best.

I am spending a lot of time in the catch and release program it does serve the greater good of the whole just like letting that big spawning female go back into the ecosystem. My current job is a constant practice with this idea. I find myself attached to how I am feeling about it from the time I tighten my noose until I am home. Attached to laziness, frustration, rejection, needing to make solid what this so called work is providing for me, can I afford to go on more dates, oh and some of my favorite feelings or at least most lived, is this all there is?, what does this sales peddling have to do with the universe? and how I am making a difference, I should (world worst word bar none.....should, you hear you should, you think I should) well hell there is no should it is what it is or else do it and let the fuck go of should. Should is a bitch with a mean bite. So for the grace of God and the holy buddha universal undconditional love Chi, Feel those things but freaking quickly let them go. Something else is coming and its good and bad. YIN YANg. Now is all there is and it just went and we are back to now. I think of the first time I ever caught a Trout on a fly rod is was on the Yellowstone River one of the mose over fished and unfortunately hard places to catch a fish. I had spent weeks just learning to cast and I had no expectations of catching a fish on the Yellowstone. I had a friends rod and was off one summer day... so what the heck it was the nearest river. I am out throwing it in the wind stuggling but way in the moment and by the way that nature out there people keeps you where you are nicely, the air, the creatures, the mountains ah yes. I think the great outdoors is important everywhere just the magnitude of the Great West scream hey stay in the moment a little louder so does the beach. A guy older guy who is anglin down the way comes by and I make fun of myself about I am just a Bass fishin redneck. He laughs and says you are doing pretty well. "I say I know nobody catches anything around here" and he says "I have never come into the park without catching something" He was from some small little town on the Idaho side. He says you see that eddie over there hit it three times in a row you'll catch something." I give it a whirl by the first time I hit it he is back to the car park and loading up. I look to see where he is after I hit it the first time. Then the next time I try of course I miss my spot as he is driving off I hit the spot for what is the third time in a row and soon as that damn fly hit the water bang a brownie, Holy shit halleluyah emotion spike bliss hoofuckinray nobody saw it I looked up and his car is just on the horizon in the valley.....So what in the hell is that, not hell I can tell you because hell is here too on this plane but that was cosmic that was god that was believing what this man told me, he destroyed my convention and I think was practicing Bodichitta or maybe he was a warrior. That is not freaking irony people its vibing in the glory of love and bliss and the God or the universe whatever floats your fly giving it back b/c you believed it. I save the fly and let the fish go, nobody catches a fish on the Yellowstone Bullshit, and the more we live you know its all bullshit, propaganda for the few, convention is garbage and it will stink your mind up to high heavens. I just believed for an instance. Convention says greedy Fisher people in the twenties brought in Canadian Cuttthroats and put them in the lake and then these tasty fun to catch teethed bastards ate all the other Trout of existence, then greedy fisherman/ Tourist parked their cars on the river and fished away and never caught and released and therefore when Bo gets to Yellowstone after the fires in 1989 no chance he can catch a brownie in the Yellowstone River. I didn't believe the book at least for just one minute and had an experience that is the grace of God almost instantly. That is a memory worth holding on to. Catch and release all those thoughts especially bad ones the ones that remind you that you are a part of it all and remind you that you are wonderful and beautiful and vibing with God let them stay a little longer and just remember that the bad thoughts are coming back don't be scared of them and don't accept them as real. Real is unexplainable, karma, irony is real, coincidence not real nor the concept but syncing with the universe. Its not coincidence that allowing negative beliefs about yourself or the world to remain and do their spiritual and physiological things brings more of them into your life, why because you give them that opportunity you believe the lies. Likewise its not coincidence when you are focusing on loving others and honestly loving yourself that cosmic bliss shows up because you believe its real. Sly and the Family would say "I caught you smilin again, I caught you smiling again" Hold onto the smile fish admire it know its yours be aware its going back into the river but you and hopefully someone else will catch it again. I love you and you love me. Peace out of mind.