Muck sounds a little harsh, because there is order to all of this, Muck sounds a bit murky. The thought Dragon is spilling thoughts in being all the time some many based on our past and how we believe those thoughts into being real. When like Jesus said before his ideas here stolen and scribed for the benefit of the few. God is love and we are all god. The more Godlike or jesus like or whatever the more power we have to create our world and not accept that world is real or doing something to us, We create it all in our thoughts, a Quantum Physicist would say everything that we perceive as solid isn't it just that we have created the idea of existence and so many others are creating the same thoughts that somehow these predominant thoughts create an object. But the scientist know you can break down so called objects forever ad infinitum, they can get past photons and quirks yet they know there is more and then there will be more after that. So if thoughts are the only thing that is divine and has the power to create, how do we avoid entrenched thoughts that create suffering like the loss of a loved one or a lover or any dissappointment that we have manifested as real and something that was done to us? Partly to think only about the welfare of others and remember the concept that we are the creator. I remember reading Ram Das in High School and he kept talking about the divine creator, and its our thoughts that create being, he was stuck on this biology thing that we are so consumed with self and physical nature, yet our physical nature is just energy swirling and chemicals flying and all because our thoughts create this. He also talked about the divine mother the fact that women who create their lives yet for whatever cosmic reason are the ones that bear children, truly bring into existence souls and minds. The mystery of that yet we all just convention into biology oh it was the fucking etc. Not exactly child birth and Mothers are playing with the divine even if they don't know it. Most moms do that is why the nurture because it is nice to love something more than yourself or concept of self and hopefully that helps the child to know less suffering although the minute the cold world hits ists sensory receptors the creator in it is taking shape... So think good thoughts sounds easy enough avoid bad thoughts. But it is the most difficult thing in a Western ultra material world. But we start by practicing, sitting, meditation, reigning the mind in of its negative thoughts and conventions it has created over time and human conditioning, Rinpoche Sakyong Mipham says don't be intimidated that the world you have created thus far is bad b/c it can and will change if you believe it will. If there is difficulty to find meaning it is predominately about suffering. The physical world causes suffering and you have to accept that it will at times, but it is the thoughts that make it a part of your being. He says that it is heroic and godlike even if the task seems so great to just acknowledge one thought a day as unreal,,like meditating if during the process you can acknowledge and let go of just one thought and even greater many or all discursive thought then you are being heroic and closer to divinity. Wow one discursive thought at a time let go of and we are heroic. Thats how there is bliss. Then there is Love which is good, if we truly find a way to love others,, energy and vibrations more than the idea of our self, then we find bliss more regularly. Should it be easy to have compassion for someone who is mean vindicive manipulated and your enemy by all assoications your mind creates. It sounds hard, but it isn't if you realize that why their actions are brought into existence is because of the suffering they choose to have in their spirit. We should love everyone because we suffer at times we know that everyone suffers and by praying or meditating for those who you see as bad and enemies because of their suffering you send love and healing power into the universe. Quantum Physics says that through our eyes we gather 6 million bits of information per minute. Wow, but on average all our minds are willing to process and compartmentalize and make real are 2000 bits a minute. So we are not creating a very real reality by only being able to shelf that few bits of information. Now imagine because we have conventions and have been brought up and conditioned by the world in certain ways that of those measley 2000 bits we choose the negative or whatever serves our "self" the most,,that is the nature of the powerful organ the brain and that overriding survival function that gets in the way sometimes,, and what if we are in a state of suffering,How poorly are we going to use that information, things are going to "happen" one because it the law of attraction. Like always attracts like. Like me falling for this beautiful woman in the last several months, in my mind this connection was going to be huge, I loved how hot she was, how sensual, her great ass, we liked the same kind of music, books, she was much younger which helped be "feel" younger, back to the physical ...the sex was perfect chemical explosions long lasting and multiple orgasms abounded heightened with every touch or sound or look. My mind had said check, check, check and yes check because on a physical level and seeming spritual level everything was real. But it wasn't, This girl was suffering a ton of old thoughts she was holding on to. Coming out of a long relationship that obviously wounded her and she was trying so hard to be ok but her thoughts of the past and suffering didn't allow us to continue or connect even further. But the truth is that is what I was attracting someone like myself who has all these negative thoughts at the time about my divorce the bad relationship how much like a failure I felt in the relationship category. How lonely I was I a found someone lonely sure lonliness is physical, not getting to be around people, share laughter etc. but it is more about thinking that you won't experience those things again, which is not true can be if you believe it much... I meet this girl in a place where I am further away from the distorted thoughts of love and sharing and she is in a place nearer the same and we are both believing that we deserve bliss and are sending out happiness we receive it back even greater, then who knows she could have been my lifes partner. With in mind nothing is real except impermanence. I think sometimes maybe I will run into her a year or so from now and it would happen again and this time be more joyful. Then I realize that is just ego and thinking about trying fix something or have great sex again. When because of impermanence many of the qualities I adored about her might be gone or even moved on to a higher place beyond my ability to love and it could be whether you are a metaphysicist, Christian, Tibetan buddhist, there is still that idea that what we had was good in many ways but for the real attraction to be pure and about love and not self it might take forever in this life for those qualities to ever match up, or in many traditions the next life,,,,, or the next and the next and the next. I will eventually get over this idea of lonliness because the universe and beyond is there for the creating. So it might not be Ms. Gap that I am looking for or the hope that I was what she is looking for. Maybe it was just close what we were attacting to each other but b/c it all that magnetic storm we bringing out thoughts of suffering and ultimately that is not what you want. Right? right. So the more love and compassion you truly have for others, honest love of others energies and needs and the more we focus on it or meditate on it and send it into the universe especially when given the opportunity to affect people and deny that our self is real other than what our thoughts create, then we will attract events, people, manifested things into our life that are about the love we are sending out, and that just confirms God or Love or whatever and then we begin to live on a higher plane. The more we truly love the more we will be loved. My sister said here teacher down in Louisiana told her something as they were doing some waking meditiation and the cars are hurling down the freeway, and eveyone was a bit distracted why because that is what the mind does it creates and is easily distracted because we feel the need for all these thoughts in our minds to be solid and they ain't, but our mind fights that contiually but as we start to see it for what it is through practice practice practice we break down those shackling conventions and conditions our lifes have created as real and start to become the creator of something bigger that we can even imagine or that science can imagine. We become the true Observer of the universe and we vibrate in a way to attract "good" things into our being and spirit and mind. Oh Yea Rinpoche in LA, he said as he observed everyone getting a little distracted.. you hear those cars with people in them flying throught the cosmos,,, convention would say they are worrying heading to an appointment, trying to pick up dinner, being angered they just got cut off etc etc.....but his thoughts said no all those people flying about are on the road to happiness and riding away from suffering. That is the truth, the level which those folks know that is very different but because they all have the power to love and to suffer if they are deliberate in trying to create love, beauty, they will attract happiness and love and beauty and hopefully an enlightened state. The reason I write and am going to start writing these blogs is to create something "real" in my mind that creates harmony for others and hopefully in turn comes back to me that way. It is part of the practice and I don't live completely in these thoughts but I hope to one day, I am still addicted to touching a beautiful woman, having whisky to ease the pain, a wonderful spliff and I will continue to enjoy all those things just not let the desire of these things create me. All good things in all good time. Sex, Drugs Rock n Roll a concept lived by for many years, and one that if you are truly putting compassion out there can be dabbled with and enjoyed if you are strong enough in spirit to not let them cause you suffering b/c your mind created that they are the only things that can cause you happiness. Na just part of the thoughts that can cause you happiness. The beauty of the human touch, the sedating power of a dram of Scotch or the laughter and ease a spliff can make you feel, the joy of a song even though many times we relate to the suffering as much as the bliss. All good things in all good time. Take the good and leave the rest, you have to leave the rest don't accept all the physical good and bad just the good feeling. Jerry taught me more than I will ever know and yet I know his suffering took him away from this plane too early. God is love. Ask, believe(the hard part), and receive what it is you deserve and truly need.
"Whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, Believing, ye shall receive" Mark 21:22
Gotta Believe and visualize your world as joyful and infinite in possibilites to make you(universe) happy. When your down, play a great song, snap yo' fingers and look to the sun and clouds and don't ask why just say wow, and try to hold a smile for as long as you can, then be good, and when the bad news feeling hits again, remember what you truly believe is what is creating your world your emotions and your sense of well being. IN closing I LO-UH-UH-UH-VE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME.
Peace ya'll praying for New Orleans some more today, bring back the bliss, the joy of music, people diversity, ah the food, the city the cosmos that is noLA. People who suffer deserve to be reminded it will also pass and joy is around the corner creeping closer every instance. Amen./

New York You know it better choose one. I got up last Saturday completely ruttified in my guest room world and read my email. My cousin in NYC emailed me back and "called my bluff" that I wouldn't come see here if she had Yankees Bosox tix. I had told her for years just get the tickets tell me when and I am there. I got a ticket to LaGuardia Sunday morning and off to insomniac city I did be go. It was just what the Dr ordered an old fashion adrenaline shock to the system and soul. She had to work for 1/2 days b/c of my late notice but it gave me a chance to be that stranger in the crowd I like to be every now and again, no pretense nothing at stake just being me Tennessee in the city. I
I took a cab to 42nd where she works and dropped off my backpack and out into the appple I went. I cruised past Leomas hotel or what was and then into Grand Central. I hadn't been to the city since they excovated the ceiling, in fact the only time I had ever been there I don't remember even looking up that much, which was a mistake, the old light fixtures the unbelieveable stain glass and archetecture it is a truly sensory titilation. I stayed in there wandered in and out of nooks and crannies among the masses and vendors and just felt alive, which is important I think. The food vendor court was even amazing, Italian, bistro, chinese, jewish, middle eastern, of course Pizza, Indian, Pakistani, amazing smells and everyone of course as is the case "busy". After my head and nose stopped spinning I funneled into some line and had a cup of Indian curry Chicken soup. It was awesome. That might be the greatest NYC feeling in town Grand Central that is. So after some fortification down 42nd to Time Square which I guess becasuse it was Monday was rather tame, not as sleazy as I remembered it from ten years ago, no peep shows etc. but just as cheezy and amazing in all it wonderful advertising cheeziness. The exposure you get everyday to your product is probably second to none in Times square, I then walked down old Broadway and a couple of streets off it to see what was happening, I went in the Lunt Fontaine so fucking cool, If you are going to do shows maybe that should be your focus, I am not into Musicals but there were dozens of plays and visual art shows going on, the place is just electric with creativity. I hung out in Bryant park for a while and just chilled with some ice coffee, read a rag and felt envigorated, stylish goodlooking people everywhere, I also got a kick and wanted a hit of the the graying Rasta guy in a suit who strolled to the middle of the park sat down on the lawn pulled out his wallet and lit a 1/2 a fatty and plumes of his stanky kind billowed toward me. He took a couple hits brushed himself off and went on his way, it was pretty funny, after that I strolled into a pub and had a Sam Adams in honor of my Bosox coming to town and headed back up to the Daily news. An awesome afternoon alone but not lonely.
My cousin and I took a cab back to her place in the Lower East Side near the River and met up with my other cousin and had a bottle of wine and some awesome fresh cheeses from Little Italy down the street. Both my cousins are great women and they chatted me up and pushed me through some of my divorce crud. We later walk down 8 or 9 blocks through ethnic cornocopia of people and the amazing grafitti covering everything and I am truly blown away at what might have scared me years ago but hell I am with two women cousins who assure me it is safe and my provincial little mindset subsides. They are showing me areas that just 7 or 8 years ago was nothing but drug dealers and hookers and now it is full of little pubs and boutiques very cool but not like mall boutiques and pub still tagged up with graffitti and but very cool little businesses and lots of young people out everywhere. The people were so outrageously nice and you see how that New Yorkers ultimately pedestrians have such an easy time meeting people and hang out. You see the same people in the pubs restaurants trains in your neighborhood and everyone seems familiar. The phenomena of no eye contact and no southern chit chat is just that during their day they truly have no space the have no social down time the niceities are bullshit, but after hours at the pub they want to meet and chat. On the street, on the train etc the have places to go and no space to do it, I can't imagine having no down time or drive time on a physical level. It is humanity up on you constantly during the work day. In the city people are bumping and grinding their way around you through you dodging the human maze and trying to make deadlines just like everybody else in the world only they have what amounts to about 17 million people working on Manhattan alone during the day. On that little fucking island it blows me away. Nightime is the right time, its awesome because only about 1 million people live on Manhattan the rest are from everywhere. So around 8'oclock most people have gotten off the island and people get their space back. We at at a place called Schillings really cool place with old tile floor metal ceilings antiqued mirrors and they make their own wine a chianti is what it seemed like. It is a French/ Italian place the food was excellent especially the toffee bread pudding and thats saying a lot from someone who things New Orleans is second to none in getting your eat on. The wine was really decent in fact that is what it was Decent, the three wines they make and very inexpensive and named and rightly so, Cheap, Decent, and Good. Nothing great but certainly decent and there were good looking people there having a great time, I loved it. We then stopped into some basement bars with no signs dark with the Ramones blaring, couldn't have got much better. In fact I go to the first bar and order a Stoli orange and soda for Wendy and a glass of Cab for Margie and a Macallan for me now anywhere else in the world including Nashtown that is $30 plus, the bartender says "let me think, uh give me 20 bucks" I was like this can't be the city of the giant sucking sound that is pulling at your wallet. By the way the Stoli was half and half, I had a high ball that was filled to the brim two cubes of 12 year old Macallan and big juice glass of Cabarnet. That being said on the way back to the table, the barkeep says "oh Yea its happy hour til 10:30 the second drinks are free, about $60 worth of highend drinking for $20 bucks and a five dollar tip. Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment. My cousins M boyfriend is an architect as is she and they hooked up with us at the next stop, he was with a childhood friend with a thick Brooklyn accent, He hadn't seen Morgan in 10 years and we learn he had been in LA for the last 10 years. So"what are you doing in town" assuming he was some flunkly with a rididculous Brooklyn accent he says,"Yea Yea I just heyuh doin uh moofie" Ok great like which one are you involved ,thinking that he is a grip or something" He says "oh yea yea I wrote and produced this little movie called "The King" we go William Hurt in it, I dink its putty good yea yea. We are having duh peh meer at the" so and so theatre "and deen its opening across da country Joon da firs" Taken aback while in Bryant park I had read the whold write up with huge picture of William Hurt and pretty damn good review from a non to easy Arts and Leisure section. Yvonne says it happens to her all the time people you can't believe some of the people that are making a huge living in the arts either with the amazing discipline or just flat talent. Doing something many of us dream about but either just dream and don't do, or kid ourselves etc but New yorkers do it. Even if it is this lil pitcha with William Hurt they wrote. It was a cool night the first one and we floated home hopped up on liquor and talked about why the fuck don't we do it we always say we are going to etc etc ya da ya da, at least she does have a couple have finished screenplays and plays in the desk drawer I am just fucking blogging. Eh what the fuck! I love how the F bomb floats in the Big Apple air. More about Tuesdays and Chinatown and Katz deli, later.

Took Miles Stu home today, deeder dog has been here since Wed. It was so nice to be with my boy for 24, I made a lot of promises to him about me staying available. He just beamed all night listening to me, we talked our talk and the snugglin was good, Miles Stu, me and my deeder dog and some stupid box, two glasses of a great Pinot Noir, Nissiyou I think was the vineyard Rogue Valley Oregon for sure, 12.99 try it. As great as it was it was such a painful reminder that I am never going to be a part of his daily life. I just want to make sure the expectations I have set for myself which in effect is to make sure Miles knows me and knows as a source of joy and love in his world, are met. I so need to connect with some other adults too. Amazing how much my relationships have changed since being married. I gave up a lot, and some are being rekindled. I hope to start dating soon, I just need to be around women and have that good ole flirtatiousness and sparring we all crave so much back in my life. I have two interviews this week and I hope something pans out. I read something a while back that said for every $10k in earnings you job search grows by one month. That is holding true right now. I have been looking for 3 months and the only offers have been for around 40K besides the great offer that involved a huge move, couldn’t do. So hopefully by June, that’s life people and you can deny it, So maybe I’ll be back on top, back on top May. I will get back to my lonliness no son no dog. No woman no Cry, I am going to the hockey game tonight hopefully not the last for my beloved Preds. Peace chant and Pray.

Can anyone make Joe Thorton just go away for a while? Beantown you should have shipped him to the Yukon or Czech Republic or somewhere. Damn he is good, all five skaters hit him and he still holds on to the puck, he must have some sort of super glue tape on his stick, and Redwood stumps for legs. Gotta Believe Preds in 7!

Since I moved out of my house and away from my son, dog and cats the ex-in laws have come back. This makes 4 trips in 5 weeks from Hilton Head. They are going on 8 days right now. Not that I expected anything different. After all I did take the guest bedroom set of bedding and my chair it had to be hard on my ex to be a part of all that uprooting in her life. I had been going over in the morning to see Miles and piecemeal my things over to the cousins. The ex let it be known her people were there and it would be uncomfortable to keep doing that. So I did not see my son for a week. I never knew how awful I was going to feel or how scared I was going to feel. The divorce is not final and mostly because I have to find a job and establish child support. I sure would like my little piece of equity in the home so I won’t be destitute in the next couple of months, but anyway I understand. The ex talks to me like I am a three year old, almost robotic with kid gloves. Every time she calls me she says as I answer “hi this farrar” it just gets on my nerves so bad and creates tension down to my bones. Like I don’t recognize her voice or that her number pops up on my cell phone. I have suggested that we communicate via email for a little while it is more convenient and easier for her to do the bad things she has to do to me. Like drop my insurance, we have been using her insurance b/c it is state insurance very good and very cheap, even though I am unemployed and not officially divorced she called to tell me I have been dropped from her coverage. She really cares about her sons Dad. I offered to pay her the $60 a month to keep me on it until we divorce. She said she “had already cancelled it” and in essence was not going to go through the hassle of re-instating it. Let me tell you about the email, she is not into modernity; she should live in Arabian Peninsula somewhere. She has never used email; even I didn’t realize she was that far cast into last century. She doesn’t know what a browser is. I set up the Home computer where she wanted it cleaned it up nicely and thought I will just go to yahoo and set up an email address for her and give her the password so she could change it later, but there would be no excuse that she didn’t have time or didn’t know how to get an email address. I wrote very simple directions made my yahoo her home page with email right up top. She called and thanked me for setting up the computer and the email address and I said it will be easier and you can send me an update daily on my “buster bean” Mileser. So great right? Not exactly. I email her a few times just to try to get this communication vehicle moving. No response. I asked about Miles. I mentioned she could put whatever clothes I had in garbage bags and put it in the Garage and I would be by to pick them up. I sent these all before I knew her handlers the “General and the Banker” were going to be there for a week or so. Sunday night a week since leaving my son and home I get a frantic call like there had been some paradigm shift in her world and she was having a William Shatner moment. “Spock…… I….just don’t……..Know…..If I can……take it…much more” She was trying to take the big step and email me. I could tell her folks had been there for few days because the hyperness in their hyperspace always gets turned up with their natural oozing nervousness, it is sadly contagious. I call her and ask her to explain what is wrong; she says” I don’t know, I don’t want to do this email, I tried and it doesn’t work”. I ask “what did you do?” she says, “I pushed the email thingy and I tried to write something and it kept getting messages so I just quit.” The email thingy I suppose was an honest mistake even though I had written two pages of bullet point directions of getting into yahoo. Number 1 click on Mozilla. Your homepage will be Yahoo. Look in right hand corner it says mail, click on that.” She was bringing up outlook and a defunct email address with her email button. So being unbelievably patient and kind, while wanting to tell her what an idiot she is and how the fuck is she going to raise my child in a world when she can’t browse the net and complete an email, I calmly walk her through it. She hit save as draft the first time so it didn’t work and then on the second time “Bingo” she got it, she saw the word send. Yeee haw! I later found out that she thought the email address that had stated right next to it “This is your email address” and the password that stated next to it “this is your password” was my address and that was what she needed to get in touch with me even though the username had her name in it. Wow! She the figured out what the inbox is and noticed, she had mail from me in it with an address relative to my name. She reads the emails and says “oh I have already got your things packed up,” which was nice but the image she relayed to me almost made me throw up. I was starting to understand what the “handlers” purpose was on this trip. To purge anything that vaguely resembled me or my personality from the home. She said, “My dad went to Target and Mail box etc and got boxes and bubble wrap and packing tape, and at Target got those big air tight Tupperware like containers to put your clothes in.” “We got all of your pictures and knickknacks and bubble wrapped them and folded you clothes and put them in the containers,” she says. “We took all of your books off the shelves and put them in boxes and taped them up and moved them to the garage.” These actions were all to my benefit ultimately, be the vision of the hyper in-laws frantically flying around asking questions “is this his? Is this his” the nervous rip of bubble wrap ratcheting of tape on the boxes and how easy they are making this for her just makes me sad. I went to see my son at school the last two days and the first time I almost walked in crying I was so in need of seeing him and scared that he wouldn’t respond to me, it is just such a unique situation. The school and his therapist didn’t know anything about the divorce so I told them about it and they all counseled me and told me to come by anytime and watch or play with Miles. It was nap time and all the other kids were sleeping but as usual Miles the rebel was awake. I went and laid down next to him and started talking to him at first he wasn’t sure who it was but then his eyes lit up and he turned his head toward me and made my world complete for that instant. I picked up over my head and he smiled and laughed, and I laughed until I almost cried again. We cooed and oooed and he looked into my eyes. His vision really seems to be improving. He did give me the look of I wasn’t sure you were coming back. I have to make sure he hears my voice as much as often b/c I can’t just call and talk to him on the phone he has to be able to hear me, smell me, and feel me, and I need the same from him. Ms Cilla said “look at that boy smile at his Daddy” he is so happy, I was so happy. So I followed it up by going be and seeing him today again. He realized right away that it was me this time and play the skin harmonica on his neck and belly and he just laughs and starts talking his talk. I am a Dad in pain, but as the song says “Pain is love, and if you don’t feel pain you don’t feel anything” He is love I learn everyday from my experiences with him. His pain his toughness his resilience his innocence, his ever giving love. I am blessed and I am cursed, but aren’t we all. Its life and learning to love and accepting it all an hopefully everyday learning its not about me and ego its about all of nuclear family and global/universal family, Ego is the devil and as much as I need to gripe about shit on this here blog I need to grow and I think with enough practice and caring for others I will learn to truly care about me and wade through the mire of bullshit our lives are consumed in. After all in this wonderful god fearing nation we are consumers first, and from the time you’re born to when you die people are going to be trying to sell you something that is not real. Image ego. “And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”