Dragged a comb cross' my head.

No calls from people good or bad. I am movig out this weekend. Easter weekend. A new birth of sorts, and certainly full of loss. I am getting used to no responsibility in the work force. I really didn't want to get this comfortable with nothing. I can read, write, sleep, play golf, movies. It scares me how much I crave the idle. I know I am losing a certain part of my self by not having any grind in my life, the interviews and travel to interviews are grind like but I know that I can come home go to "my room" and read, write or watch the Preds. I can really put on a show one day maybe two out of the week, but I get so much satisfaction out of reading the book I have put off, playing better golf, going for walks, watching movies, cheering for my team. I don't think it is completely genetic everyone else in my family works so damn hard and complains so little. If I answered these silly little sales aptitude test and corporate personality test, with true honesty I would probably be the antithesis of what they great out as above average clone they want and need. You have to be completely out of your mind to answer these things honestly. Yea Right "I feel people don't like me" "I have taken office supplies home from work" "I hate social gatherings" "I would rather be theoretical than going with the tried and true" " I have taken other peoples prescriptions" I love the idea of the artist drop out and fear the consequences of that decision. Balance Dude Balance, Still tryin to become unattached to the goofiness of the mainstream and my divorce and loss of son and dorg' on a daily basis. "pray and let it pass man!" my new mantra. It has been nice to see so much of my son and he is doing great. Stronger every day, and we have this wonderful connection. That is going to make it even harder not seeing him on a daily basis. Laughter, he smiles I laugh until I almost cry and he begins to laugh too, we are hysterical, joy mostly. We grunt and ooh and ah and communicate on a very high level. So simple and wonderful. Yet We gotta keep movin on, and enjoy the day, I feel good, but, if I ain't broke I am badly bent. Peace chant love and practice.

My job search is going well. I am a little fatigued by it and uneasy, so I guess that is good. I know how to answer questions for these corporations I know what they want to hear. "I am Superman, I never tire of challenges and want to be the most productive entity in your so important board members mind." I hope I can be ok with my new job, I feel the just slightly more motivated to go after these more stressful high paying jobs that I know that I in essence hate but feel some need to make more money. Not for the creature comforts, the status, peer pressure. I guess I am scared of being poor, why I don't know. I think maybe the most happy times of my life have been bumming rides, living in tents in campgrounds staying in cheap hotels in exciting cities. Maybe it comes with age or lord forbid I have to star considering that I am a sellout even though I know my heart and mind haven't changed their opinions and are as anti establishment and rebellious as ever. What is it that makes me think I can play these roles of super business man and yet have so much disdain for the absurdity and intentions of so many of these companies. I should think I can find some balance in all this especially since I have a son with lots of needs for income. I don't hate the rich I don't hate capitalism if anything I wish I was less feeling and more easily motivated by pursuit of money. It just doesn't interest me as much as the pursuit of intellect and spirituality yet I am scared of being broke and in debt. Are those just morays passed on by society or where I come from I don't know but they edge out me taking a time out to pursue something more "me". I am of course back to the age old question "what the hell do I want anyway>" Uh I dunno? I need balance and to be somehow unattached to the roles I have to play to stay employed in what so much of the world would consider a good job. What is pragmatism and what is denial of your true self, and its hard to deny something you have a vague psychological feeling about, I want to be an artist or a adventurer or a professional musician or actor or sportsman but who doesn't at some level. Don't we all want to be appreciated as offering something unique to the world our families friends whatever. Some who just have that so called drive to be the best at making money and acheiving status or "success" they deserve some credit for being son on task and comitted to something it just doesn't float my boat, I am so unimpressed with the Donald Trumps of the world. As many investors that he has stiffed in his failures and bankruptcy only to be shrewd enough about the system an frankly crooked souled enough to be ok with it later, and give to a charity here or there for consolation. I also fear that when you have to invest so much energy into being superman and super producer, that the fuse blows out in the creative side of my mind. I work hard do well product and then want to vegge in my chair with a scotch and the game on. Do bad things to feel really excited like drugs and gambling and whatever. All the while those cliches flashing through your mind "if you love what you are doing everyday then you will feel fulfilled and have plenty of energy to devote to spriitual things blah blah" How many people are priveldged enough to do that or lucky enough. So many people's only true love and devotion are their careers anyway. Don't most of us work because we have to on some level. I know this is all a battle in my mind to find some balance in work and love. The idealist in me is greedy. I want it all, passion, love intrigue in my job and life. I am working on answering these questions and I guess I am just a little nervous about taking a leap of a new job and getting on with my life post divorce. I am a little bit of an island right now and hopefully through time patience, love, rational thinking less jadedness I will find some balance with what I want and what the world asks of me. I have to start living today, Be here rightch na! I have always projected and worried to much about how I will feel down the road rather than where I am on it. Ok I am better now I will wake up each day create some psyche checklist and manage my life, work, grind and spiritual path. Oh I hope I can little engine.

"The sun is up the sky is blue its beautifual and so are you"

I slept in today only to wake up to find out it was probably the most beautiful day of the year. If I could make myself believe that everyday maybe I wouldn't sleep in so much lately, "Its alright I am only Slee--ping" You can see for Miles smell Spring in the Tennessee air. I don't have to go to work, I don't have anyone I need to call, no chores to do. The freedom is making me feel uncomfortable. I am going to find a way to imbrace it even if I slept til 10, off to the lake with DD dog, hopefully see muskrats, otters, eagles, snakes, big ole paleolithic looking turtles, Canadian Geese, lots of little birdies and maybe DD dog will come nose to nose with a squirrel again. I feel so content in the woods, and if I sit at home even with all my freedom to do whatever, I will become obsessed with my unemployment and pending Die vorce. So off to Radner, hopefully meet some great people and DD can get her Social on. It really doesn't take much to make me happy, it is just so rare I get to take control over my Happy! See later from Down in Sunny Tennessee!

I sure do love Jesus teachings but Martyrdom scares the hell out of me, no pun intended. In all the major monotheistic histories via Abe we have a look at what it means but, I am finding out about what the complex is and what it is in religion and the pursuit of peace that draws us to the martyr.

Why are we all polarized on what it is to be a Martyr and why do all of us feel some egotistical need to be viewed as spiritually better than the next guy or gal. Needless to say Muslim and in particular Arab view of the Martyr is down right obscene. Dying on a cross is one thing, leading your people thru the Desert to be your brothers keeper is one thing but, aspirations to be a martyr are sick in my opinion. Martyrdom like death has to come honestly if you know what I mean.

My real beef is how it plays its subtle roles in our lives and does it as an idea not as a true persecution or death for ones principle’s its the Martyrs thoughts that lead us sometimes. I am going through an ugly divorce and what is at stake is; I think my son losing his father and me “the father” losing the right to be around my son everyday. My wife and I have been through a personalized localized hell with her traumatic pregnancy and what now is raising a severely disabled child. Today, I still have great expectations for him and will not freaking temper them for Dr.’s or my wife. We have become completely polarized on what is the best way to deal with our pain and our healing when it comes to Miles. Who is sitting right next to me stroking my pants leg and peacefully listening to the music playing on the stereo. He is so loved by both of us we just can’t take care of each other. Her way of and her I suppose ancestral way of dealing with tough things or potential crisis is to start at the devastating end of the spectrum and try to work her way back to reality. My way is probably starting at the more overly optimistic end; she would say the denial end, and try working my way back to a place that is real. We never hook up at the truth. There has never been any denial in my son’s condition and if anything I have been hurt and traumatized at least as much as she has in this deal. What has become so polarizing for me is how freaking “tough” she has to appear to everybody when I know she is so hurt and changed by the experience. I would have liked to see her cry more often so maybe I could be strong for her but she it too tough to show how bad she is hurt to anyone and especially me. So much time is spent not communicating and healing because she has to be so strong.

The bulk of this lies with where she comes from and her insatiable need to satisfy or please her parents. I really don’t get it. There apparently has been great reward in the family of the “General” (her Mom) for being tough and most importantly tough in your outward appearance. It is so damn UN feminine to me; ladies femininity is a wonderful thing. The Brother has never had any relationships with women and he is so unattached to anything but his ego and world. I noticed early on how my wife would change in the presence of her folks and how as we began to have tough news about Miles how she was being rewarded for being “so strong” “you have handled this better than anyone could”. She was rewarded for being non emotional and tough all the time probably throughout her life. She always had a tendency to be a bit of drama queen because the bigger the stakes the bigger the opportunity to show her toughness.
I know all the attention in this crisis is naturally focused on the Mother as it should be. All our friends and family would always call to check on her and rally around her and give a great hand. My sorry little ego and sad little feelings eventually hurt. What was tough is that I needed her to be vulnerable at least for me so I could justify all the horrible things I was feeling. She never was and naturally people weren’t concerned, well that’s not true, they weren’t as concerned about me. She was getting all her support from others and wasn’t putting herself in a place for me to support her and as a man that hurts. You want your women to be soft sometimes and need your arms to hold her and be consoled by you; it didn’t happen in my world. She was getting too many medals from the General and receiving so much praise for how well she was coping. As she became more and more decorated throughout this process, she started questioning what are doing to make this better, where are your medals and why haven’t you given me more medals. I was doing what I do, working having to stay nights out on the road in cheap hotels and being lonely missing her, my boy, and my dog. I was becoming a stranger in my own home it truly killed me that I couldn’t be there for every Dr.’s appt every tough thing that happened while I was gone. But I didn’t know what to do, I was just working scared not to stop b/c healthcare is expensive as are special needs children and rich wives. I wasn’t happy about not being there, and part of the reason I worked so hard was so that she could stay home with the Miles man. It has all ended with me losing my job, wife, son and dog. Me not being there was just another award for how tough she was, now she is going to be a single Mom who has gone back to work. This sacred high place she has created for herself, with a little help from her parents, there is not humility and no coming down from off her perch. She really believes that she is morally and spiritually greater than most especially me. There are great things revealed by God in our lives everyday and you shouldn’t won’t monopoly on them or feel superior because you noticed them and some don’t. You should feel grace and peace not Power at least in an egotistical sense. I pray for her b/c her intentions are confusing I don’t think her thoughts are that malignant but we are mutual cancer in each other’s lives now, and hopefully the divorce will allow our heart’s to mend. I don’t think she will ever choose to picture herself in my shoes for an instant, I try to see myself in hers and I know that so much of her armor has been formed by her environment but she has to breakout one day to truly live and love. I have to find the confidence to rip off my own personal chains and know that I can love again and that Miles will know only that side of me and not the hurt and resentful part. Peace be with all of you, Practice, pray, meditate, and hug the people you care about and practice those random acts of love, they are the key. Peace Ya’ll.

I had a real ego set back and my feelings hurt today. I am two months into my job search and on the second interview with a company I would like to work with. When I was fired in January, I called all my major customer's and asked if they would be a reference for me as I go through the interviewing process. Since speaking to some of these people, I have had my wife ask for a divorce, Dr.'s tell me that the symptoms my son has (2 years old) suggest that he will only live into his twenties at best. I guess I sort of knew that was likely but, my world was spinning off its axis. I have done so much over the last 6-8 weeks to try to gain my confidence back and create some positive energy in my life. So far I have been heading in the right direction. I play Sinatra's "Thats Life" every time I get in my car and it's sort of become my mantra. I tell my friends and family when they ask "how are you doing?" like the song says my face is not flat on the pavement but close, I have fortunately peeled it off the pavement and now I am trying to get to my knees. I have been eating healthy, working out, reading, playing my guitar and mandolin again and basically trying to become me again. So today I am calling all these people who I have had relationships with for the last 7 years and letting them know that they might be receiving a call from this company who I am advancing in the interview process with. Let me start by mentioning the Dog Town Mafia who you will come to know is an account which I have only worked with for 2 years, so maybe the roots didn't take. They are the most important in Alabamrie. So I call my three most important customers, my significant account in Tennessee said they would do what they could to help. My boss from my job 7 years ago said he would be glad to give me a positive reference. I also had a customer much better spoken and professional than the gooduns on the backbone so I asked his help. So I added another guy to my list after this bomb went off in my life around lunchtime. So then I call my best and my ex companies best customer in Alabama, who when I was fired said they "would be happy to help me in any way they could." They are backwoods fucks from Dog Town, AL, but with low overhead and frankly no scruples they really do some volume. Typical as I like to say "Rednecks done good" but more than that I liked the son who was the buyer I worked with, The Dad and the other Brother were just down right provincial. So I call and say "Scott, I was just calling to let you know that I might have a company calling for a business reference in the near future and I wanted to let you know who it is." He said "Well I have decided that I am not comfortable with doing that anymore." I was shocked nauseous scared bewildered not to mention mad as hell. He says "you snuck an order in on us when you were leaving and I don't think I want to be a reference for you>" again flabergasted I said Scott "I am confused" I am not sure what your talking about one, and maybe you could explain your change of heart to me." "We(Goobers mafioso) have talked with some other people and it happened to them too." Now I am completely panicked and adrenaline is spiking in my brain. I said "I would appreciate it if you would tell me who else is bad mouthing me." So Mr. Gullible says "well we have our sources" at this point I want to reach through the phone and beat the living snot out of the smart ass. The sources prove to be the guy, excuse me! snake oil selling weasel who took my place. I couldn't believe that in 2 months a guy was willing to help me any way he could to giving me some lecture on my integrity based on what this new guy was saying. Out of sight and they are out of their feeble minds. I have worked in business situations where I have taken someone's place before and admit it is partly natural and partly vindictive to lay the blame for any rough patches on the guy that left or that got canned. It turns out "Quick Draw" replacement scab has been calling me a little SOB who created all these messes. Not real suprised by that. But my respectable customers told me what he had been saying. Here is the best part, did I mention that they guy they hired was my ex-partners Brother. Nothing funny going on there huh, "My boss says it not your numbers its your relationships with certain customers"as he fires me. the same Booger eatin' boss whose management philosophy was "just make your numbers." He wOuldn't tell me which ones I had failed. My partner that I knew ultimately only cared about his success his awards and money, but had no idea he was a Machiavellian fuck really disappointed me. Working an angle with Slick brother bill. Man the people that let you down in life. Like the song says you can only "trust your Mama and Jesus, and they could be jiving too." It turns out that The Dad from Dog Town, AL when told by my partners brother("Quick Draw") of his interest in my job made inroads for all this to happen by letting my boss know how good a team he thought DAVe and Slick would make. Let me mention Quick Draw was a competitor of mine and I was beating his brains out. There is more to this sordid nepotism inspired story. I worked with the guy who took my place, son for a year. I want to make this quick and not ramble on because he is a days blog in himself. Never mind here's the ramble. I liked to call him Titty Baby, he was a helpless human being. Void of any intelligence, but hard working. The harder he worked the harder it was for me to clean up his messes. My boss(Booger eater) would call about some problem and say "I talked to so and so and he is so mad," I would have to cut him off mid sentence and say No Gare Bear that was Titty baby who did that, I have already talked with so and so and we are going to lunch today and try to find a way to work it out. My Boss had never been a boss before and his head was spinnin with high RPM's 24/7. At times I think he was medicated to slow the engines a bit. I think my boss is ADD like Titty baby too, I know it is a modern plague but man when it hits home ouch! I would have to ask him to "write this down in my file that you were confused about who the culprit of these problems were so the next time you will remember it wasn't me." It was at least once a month him calling ranting about new things or issues from the past that I was not involved in in the least. . A boss and a partner though they have never been diagnosed, were ADD and I certainly worked harder at communicating with the overwhelmed saps. Titty Baby was certainly a level above no attention span. If you said more than two of three sentences and were pausing for his response, you would almost have to snap your fingers to que him that it was his turn to talk, inevitibaly he would need what we were discussing repeated. The same thing in business calls, if I was in the room my customers would just sort of hang their mouths open witha perplexed look, then I would translate to Pauli baby what his customer was asking him for or wanted. By the way this is the furniture business not brain surgery, in a nut shell we are talking about an old school consumer product and like so many companies and manufacturers in this business we were lacking competent business people. The industry is in a perpetual transition with the emergence of China and all their production capabilities;ie cheap labor no environmental regulations. Most retailers and Manufacturers are doing buisness as old fashion arhaeic fucks. Many are now in the past tense. Word to the consumer! you can get more furniture than you ever could for less b/c of the dumping the Chinese have done and in just the last 10 years they now own what was a nice little family industry in the States. Another word for the wise if you want to buy furniture cheap and pretty decent brands go up on the backbone of Alabama to Dog Town, and Skippy, Barney and Aunt Bee will make you a great deal. Man, there are deals in the backwoods, guns and wild dogs, family trees that don't branch, and limited gene pools creating some mean ole boys and girls. But hey you can get a hell of deal on furniture.
If there is a moral for me to learn in this story it is that you need to call and re-call your references before mentioning them becasue some people reserve the right to change their creton minds and potentially screw you for no good reason. Its just the fun of the fucking I suppose.
The tough part about keeping my chin up is that on the application with the company I mentioned earlier I listed the boys from Dog Town as a solid reference. My third interview is tomorrow with the Senior VP of Sales for this company, Not furniture business praise the lord. Its close to reference time if they haven't already called them they might soon if they are going to hire me. I did not put their phone numbers on the app. but I did put city and business names as contacts. Man why can't we all get along in Satan's corporate struggle. Oh yea it fucking the Devil man.
The guy who took my place used to have the nickname in the business of "Quick Draw." One because he's a gunslinger that cheats to get ahead of the competition and the other reason he has the alias is that as soon as he gathers his draw money before he has to create commisions he's gone woosh! to another company. The fact that my Boss didn't know his history and that the Sharks of Dog Town who do know him were rubbing themselves down with all that little River snake oil puzzles me. I am back to repeating the statement about my divorce, What A stupid I am. Anyway my fragile but still gaining confidence psyche took another blow today and it smarted. The only thing I know is if the Lords of Dog Town, Alabama screwed me on this? it won't happen again, I pray they don't enter into the equation, because this is a really good gig if I can land it. I really more than anything had my feelings hurt its hard to find out that people don't like you when you truly thought they did. like a little Titty Baby I am wounded. I need my baba! It is difficult to know what people really think about you and I am certainly of the mindset to say I really don't Give a Bull Hockey, but when your life and livlihood can be effected by some fools up on the hill it is scary and sad. So enough of that I am going to be a super confident, considerate, engaging interviewee tomorrow and even if the Boys up on the Backbone of Alabama have had a run at my ruin, I'll be damned, DagBlamed and errything else if those fools are going to add any more weight to my world. Wish me luck. Pray, chant, practice whatever you do to send positive vibrations my way make them irie. I need to be on the cloud not having it hover over me with all its darkness. Peace from soon to be divorced dad who is unemployed, but I did learn a Doc Watson song today on my GUit Fiddle.