I have met someone who I am going to call a coach more than a guru. Who really lives out of a great place. She wrote me a note and told me that all my suffering and lonliness is about semantics. How I talk to myself or as we both like to say how the "auto-pilot" talks to me. I have had a tendency in the past to Over generalize or have all or nothing thinking. It is funny now that I reflect where so many of these etched voices made their way into my psyche. I believe they all escalated when I was 17 or so and from then until about 25. I grew my hair to my ass literally, read all the great philosophers Western and Eastern, mingled in the dust of the great Hippies of the world. Lived life based on the ideas I created, but, liberting as it was I was soaked in convention because of those choices. I still reflect on those days as great. Then the idea of paying off student loans and debt and my favorite...i wish you could hear me say this like James Earl Jones "THA REEAL WOOORLD". I knew then the concept of Real world was bullshit but my family and culture that I grew up in as they watched me experience life uniquely and happily bombarded me with, You should, You will never, You can't ya da blah da because you look different, maybe the message I couldn't get across to family and some friends was I think different. But the pressure to reflect that my world was not real and the cruel REal World was going to eat me alive made its way into my psyche and remains, but it just discursiveness, by the way most of the people who pushed convention and the idea of conformity on me have not been served well and in some cases they have a victim mentality now. Like its the world... I can't change it. My suffering goes with believing the group think, Its not real people. You have to create each day and moment from a unique and creative place that is only yours, but that place is the universes and we all have access to this place. Convention will not lead you there. So L we will call her says you have to start talking to yourself using new language. That is where you start. Be Mindful Macbeth. She asked me to release these words from my vocabulary. Try to do this for a day or so, you can even use synonyms but just don't use these words. It is daunting but it is amazing when you release them. Release
Good, Bad, Right, Wrong, Should, Must, Have to, Can't, Always, Never, Anything makes me, Don't make a statement and then amend it with But or And. Now it becomes hairy.... release YOur, You, Us, Them, They, WE, Our. That is about co-dependecy and some other things, but no matter how intimate with anything or anybody you can only think and feel and speak for yourself. We all want to be lumped in for security or a way to pass the blame and filter ownership of thoughts. You will think differently and feel empowered if you do this. I am still struggling with it but I am more mindful of it now and notice the learned need to use these words all the time. L says embrace just a few embrace. Healthy, Unhealthy, Choose, Choices, and most importantly I. Listen to the thunder shouting "I AM". Thats all I is...is I.and the choices are all mine, some healthy some unhealthy.
The next is a secular western motivated exercise based on Buddhist idea of eliminating desire called the I want list. I really like this because it is not just about avoiding desire and fighting it..Desire is inspiration. She says start your I want list and just let it roll forever. What you do is write every want or you can think of ad nauseum. The key is to just write anything your most basic wants, you materialistic wants, your selfish wants, your enlightened wants, your wants for those around you,. I mean I wrote I want to have sex with tons of beautiful women who love me. I want more money. I want the men and women of Iraq including soldiers to experience joy love and peace. I want my sons health to be better. etc etc etc. The key is never repeat an I want ever. By doing this you release it. You have stated it thought it felt it written it. Then what you do is go back each day and reflect on what your list said. Take 5 minutes a day of I want... cover it all spirtitual, bogus, selfish, righteous. What you find is you run out of petty wants for yourself. As for me I wrote 7 pages the first day, damn I got me some want in my life. When you reflect you see contradictions, you realize you really don't want to have sex with a ton of beautiful women, just one special one. Some of the stuff you want you really don't want... it was just convention that made you right it down in the first place..But after a couple of weeks of this "I want" you really shift into wanting things cosmically good, and usually you start to explode with compassion for others and what you want for them. Remember never "Don't want" or Not want. In a strange way by letting yourself be greedy you lose some of those desires. I mean everyday I still have wants. Then even more awesome you start to see things manifest, it sort of a way to ceate a log that when the universe responds it makes it easier for you to acknowledge the sign. WHich in turn creates more belief in your power to create what you want and manifests more. My job has been shitty, I stopped all that discursive language about it and started wanting my boss to love me, my customers to love and respond in turn with business, and although far from perfect the dynamic has changed and I got a raise and frankly a month ago I thought I was going to lose me job. Lonliness, I have lots of lusty wants and many pure relationship wants. I went from heart broken from my last girlfriend, which was a crazy sexually charged relationship, that might as well been heroin. It was such an awesome shock to the system and the detox after she was gone was horrific. I was attacting that. I got what I wanted I suppose. So you have the dry spell and then this shift in creating my world starts slowly very slowly to ease into my world. I have literally 4 women randonmly come into my life in one week. One crazy wanting to have my baby, one all sex hot but really sex addicted pretty but scary, which sex addiction happens to everybody I think for short periods. The next one I am doing my best to not think her out of the picture, She is awesome, beautiful, maybe one of the best looking women I have ever been on a date with, tremendous style and intellect and she is taking it sloooow, no lovin for me just yet, and I am going with her pace, my discursive mind wants to say she is not really into me and I want to kill that thought b/c honestly she has only really given me signs she wants to see me again. I have to be in a place where "I want" stable sane beautiful woman and not crazy partying flying fuckfests. I really dig this woman, but you start to see the law of attraction. I was hollerin' for crazy love and it showed up now this wonderful and yes sexy human being shows up and it is so much greater than the id focused brain. The fourth another stunning woman who I haven't even met yet, friends trying to set us up, She wasn't into me so the friend says but we emailed each other and one day she writes actually Monday and gives me her number and says lets meet for a beer sometime.. So I start to see my crazy lusty desires are not really what I want. Or they can wait for a connected moment. It is these interesting amazing women I want and I hope the universe is beginning to realize the shift and something more meaningful is happening. What is amazing to me is how difficult and uncomfortable it is to realize good things can happen to you and do regularly. I am meditating to release those discursive thoughts. Because they nullify the flow, the idea that the universe does not judge is a truth, it just responds, when you think this is too good to be true, the uni say "yea your right", When you think this is wonderful and I want more wonderful things, Uni says Ok more wonderful things. Don't nullify. Negative thoughts about something wonderful happening to you are lies...just lies, don't dare believe them b/c unfortunately then they manifest as truths. It takes meditating for me. The group think "auto-pilot" which will always be there is always ready to take over, but you gotta chain that beast up and its always going to rattle around in there making a damn scene when you work from a creative place in your soul. Just chain the bastards up and when they get to acting out, just remind them experience gave them a home but you ain't feeding them so they best just pipe down and then go back to chasing that bliss. I want you to have everything you want and you want me to have everything I want. Just have to be careful what you ask for thats all. Peace Ya'll. I want New Orleans to be safe and full of joy. I want the IRanian conflict to end with diplomacy and peace. I want Iraqis to live and prosper. I want soldiers to live in peaceful times. I want love to reign and rain on me. I want lasting relationships with spiritual people. I want to hear the beast howling and stuff a sock in his mouth. I want our President to find a way to promote peace in the world. I want Americans to be recognized as the most loving and giving and spiritually inclined people on the planet. I want Bin Laden to let go of whatever hurt him so bad to experience life based on unhealthy truths. I want UCLA to win the tourney. That all I got for now.